f i n d i n g j o y d u r i n g i v f

 I am a mom. 

I waited so many years to be able to hold this beautiful title.

I knew deep down that one day we would find our way to a family. Whether it be through IVF, Adoption, etc. I knew I would become a parent. Our dreams finally became reality on June 24th, 2018. 

It took six (looooong) years.

It took time.

It took patience.

It was confusing.

It was frustrating.

It was worth it.

Would I do it all over again just to be where I am right now? 

Yes. 

A million times, yes.

The last time I wrote about our fertility journey we had just completed our first round of IVF. It wasn’t successful. We were crushed and heartbroken. I read through that post often. I can transport my mind exactly back to that point in time. Writing everything down was healing for me. I hoped that it would help someone in my same situation feel like they were not alone. As I shared my journey, it opened the doors to other women looking for support. I was blessed to be part of the strongest community of women who were all struggling with infertility.

After experiencing the loss we felt after our failed transfer, I was so worried about opening my heart to another round of IVF. I had developed a bond to that little embryo, and I felt like I needed to grieve in my own way. We determined that we would complete another egg retrieval prior to scheduling another embryo transfer. We only had one viable embryo left after our last retrieval, and I felt that there would be so much pressure on that little guy to stick. I didn't want to get my hopes all tied into this next round working, having it be unsuccessful, and then feel like I was starting over. 

We completed another egg retrieval in the Spring.

Scheduled our second embryo transfer for the middle of Summer.

Waited and prayed that our two little boys would implant.

Received the heart-wrenching news that our transfer was not successful.

Cried.

Prayed.

Picked ourselves back up and determined we were not giving up.

This is the part where I need to say a million thank you’ s to our fertility doctor, Dr. Conway. When she received the news that our second transfer wasn't successful, she contacted us directly and scheduled us to come in and chat with her the next day. We went in completely crushed and left that appointment with so much hope. She had informed us that there was either ‘an issue with the seed (embryo) or the soil (uterus)’. Since our embryos had been genetically screened, we knew we were implanting healthy babes. She had done some research and suggested we try an Endometrial Receptivity Assay. This would determine the 'prime time' to implant our embryos for optimal success.

We started another round of IVF medication.

Completed two endometrial biopsies. (Ouch.)

Received the greatest news.

Based on the biopsy, my body was considered 'early receptive' - which meant that my body was responding to the medications earlier than the scheduled transfer time. These results were answers to prayers. Our doctor was able to review the results and let us know a time range and date that our embryo would need to be transferred in order for my body to be ready to accept it.

This would be our fourth round of IVF.

Our forth embryo.

Everything felt so right.

We were extremely quiet about our next transfer, only telling our parents. It felt like our little secret, and we were so hopeful it would be a success, we wanted to surprise our family with positive news.

On November 5th, 2018 I received the greatest news.

The happiest phone call.

Our transfer was a success.

A little baby girl defied all the odds.

We were going to be parents.

Looking back at the road to our family, there were four key life lessons that made our journey with IVF and infertility as positive as possible.

Protect Your Heart

There are going to be times where you feel like life is unfair. I remember looking through Instagram and feeling like every post was a picture of a baby, a pregnancy announcement or beautiful mama holding a sweet babe on her hip.

I was envious.

I was sad.

I was frustrated.

Did these other women even understand how hard it was for me?

Did they know that their joy caused me so much pain?

No.

And you know what?

They don’t have to.

It became my responsibility to surround myself with positivity and happiness. I needed to protect my heart, my happiness, and find the joy in my life outside of our current life situation. I took a break from the online world, refocused on what was really important, and decided to savor the good in my life. This is what I needed for myself. It wasn’t something that was suggested to me by anyone, it just felt right. You are in charge of your happiness. You have to do what is best for you and your tender heart.

Empathetic Joy

During the peak of our infertility journey, I received an invite to a baby shower. This was a common occurrence. Family and friends are going to have babies even if you can’t. I knew this, but I struggled with the thought of attending. As I sat back, I realized how this day was going to be so exciting and happy for this person. They were going to have a baby! At this point, I knew the right thing to do would be to attend and be truly happy for them….and you know what? It was wonderful. The mama-to-be was glowing and happy. She unwrapped little shoes, baby toys, tiny outfits, and squealed at the excitement of knowing her baby would be arriving soon. As I watched her, all I could feel was pure joy for her. She was elated. Her joy didn’t mean that I couldn’t be sad that I wasn’t able to be in her shoes, but it made me hopeful for my own future, and brought me so much happiness watching her excitement.

Every Body is Different

Infertility is not a 'one-size fits all' situation. Neither is IVF. I remember believing that once we completed one round of IVF we would have a baby. My naïve self didn’t realize that it is common for IVF to take a few rounds to be successful. I compared my body to others who had my same issues and determined in my mind that our outcome would be just like those who were in our same situation.

This.

Is.

Not.

True.

…and it is okay!

Most people I had come in contact with that went through IVF had success on their first attempt. With each failed transfer, I would momentarily slip back into the darkest thoughts of comparison. I felt sadness that I had never experienced before. It was foreign to me and I didn’t know how to move past these feelings. It all clicked for me when my doctor told me that everybody is different…even if other women had the same issue I did, it didn’t mean our outcomes would be the same. I remember telling myself over-and-over that we had our own story, our own journey, and that was okay. Removing that comparison aspect from my life helped me in more ways that I will ever know. 

Your body is special. 

Your body is incredible. 

You are perfect just the way you are.

Support is Key

As I previously mentioned, I was able to connect with some amazing women once I opened up about our struggles. I suddenly had this group that I could talk to who understood what I was going through. We could joke about how crazy Clomid made us feel. We could talk about how we felt about Progesterone in Oil injections. We would send pictures of our transfer calendars to see how are schedules lined up. The list goes on and on. I remember friend after friend leaving this 'infertility club' as I watched their hopes and dreams of a family come to life. I was stagnant. I wasn't moving forward. I just kept scheduling more appointments and pinning calendars to my wall. Until, it was finally my turn to 'graduate' to motherhood.

Once we were informed we were having a baby, I felt all the joy in the world start to dwindle as an immense about of guilt sank in. My world of support and love during my infertility journey buoyed me up, and led me to my dreams becoming a reality. But, what about those women who were still struggling?

There was a lot of fear.

Fear of hurting someone who was still on their journey to their family.

Fear that those paths would diverge and that I would lose support and friendships.

Fear that sharing my joy would remind others of what they were still working for. 

I felt like I was that person that couldn’t share our news. I knew the other side. I knew how it felt to see that ultrasound photo posted online. I knew how it felt watching a gender reveal video. I never wanted to hurt someone’s feelings. But, I wanted those around me that shared in our story to know that good things can happen. Miracles are out there, and they are coming to those waiting.

Infertility is not fair. It is heartbreaking. It is difficult.

But, there can be joy on your journey.

To the thousands and thousands of women out there who are still waiting for your miracle.

Know that you are loved.

You are supported.

You are not alone.

There is always hope.

This page of your life doesn’t need to be your story.

You can do this.

Your dream is just around the corner.

As i've turned a page in our book, I can't help but look back and reflect on what we have been through. We did it. We are so lucky. So loved. Our little girl is incredible. She has the most special soul. She is pure joy and love. I have said it a million times, but I would do it all again just to have her here with us. We love you, Rooney.

Y E L L O W S T O N E

 

when IVF isn't successful

Jarrick and I have been struggling with infertility since 2012. We kept our situation private for so long - only our families and close friends understood what exactly was happening. In the beginning of trying to conceive, I feel like your feelings are too fresh. I can't even count the times someone would ask us when we were going to have kids, and I just brushed it aside with a generic response.

"oh you never know!'
"we will see!'

When really deep down, I would go home and just be so frustrated, sad, mad, sad again. We had tried everything. Clomid. Femara. NOTHING had been successful. After endless testing, blood samples, medications, more testing... i was told that I had PCOS and hormone imbalances. We were informed that we had a less than 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own - and maintaining a pregnancy to full term wouldn't be a possibility without medical intervention. I was devastated. 

We took a break and decided to wait a while. Having a child in our life didn't define our relationship. In fact, we looked around and saw how lucky we were to have such a wonderful life. After going through what we had experienced already, we felt that the right option would present itself in the future.

Enter IVF.

Jarrick and I knew that this would be our best - and quite honestly - our only option. IVF is such a weird thing. For so many people, it’s this drastic final ‘last chance’ option. For others, it is an amazing way to plan your children.  For us, we were just excited . After all these years we had finally found this golden pot of options at the end of the faintest rainbow. We researched where we wanted to go and instantly felt this strange connection with our doctor. I can't say enough amazing things about our sweet Dr. Conway. She was so helpful. She reassured us we weren’t crazy after so many doctors before seemed to not care. She cared. She still cares so much.

Being the OCD planning couple we are, we wanted to ensure we did everything possible for this little embryo to be successful. We had some ups – and – downs during this process. A softball sized fibroid was removed from my body in October 2016 before we could even consider starting IVF. This set us back a few months and honestly was such hard news to accept when we found out. During this time, all I could think was – at least I’ll have a baby by the end of 2017. The wait was going to be worth it! I was going to be pregnant.

The entire IVF process was new and exciting. Who would have thought I would anticipate poking myself in the stomach and hips with needles?? Soon, this 7 month IVF process would all be a blip in time and we would know in March if we were going to have a baby.

We did the shots.
We had the retrieval.
We did the genetic testing.
We discovered out of 6 fertilized blastocysts, that only 2 were viable.
We implanted out little boy blastocyst.
We waited.
We were patient.
We were so hopeful.
We were going to have a baby.

Then life had a different plan.

I got the call telling me ‘I’m so sorry Michelle, you did not have any HCG present in your blood test, you are NOT pregnant’, on March 13^th 2017 at 5:00pm. To say I was shocked wouldn’t be true….I felt like after having my blood test at 8am, they wouldn’t wait to deliver good news until the end of the day? That’s just torture. I scheduled my follow up appointment on the phone. The nurse shared her regrets and I remember her saying, 'I'm so sorry Michelle, please let Jarrick know we are so sorry.'' I sobbed. I don’t know if I have ever felt physical pain from words….but I did. I cinched my stomach, curled up, and cried.

It just didn’t work.

I had kept a personal journal of my IVF experience. I hadn’t even shared it with Jarrick. I couldn’t wait to announce ‘I’m pregnant’ and have this journey all drafted out on paper. A physical representation of my path to motherhood. My child would read it one day and think how special they were that this was how they came into this world. All of those words are so painful to read now, I can’t even look at it. I’m sure one day I’ll be really glad I have some of my feelings written out, but right now those emotions are so raw.

How does this happen? How? We had done everything right.

It was a boy.
I was supposed to be pregnant.

I was going to grow this little boy. He was going to have blonde hair and blue eyes. I was going to let his hair grow out. We were going to make homemade play doh and build sculptures. Our holidays would be filled with new traditions and love. We would have this little soul in our home that I had envisioned myself always having. He was going to be my baby. I just knew it.

We didn’t take any home pregnancy tests during those long 10 days before our blood test

I didn’t drink a drop of caffeine.

I avoided deli meat and sushi.
I obsessively read every article on 'what to do to make your embryo stick'

I had a morning and nightly ritual of shots, pills, suppositories

All in hopes that this little embryo would stay.  

How could he not work?

For myself, I have struggled with the feelings of not understanding the ‘why’.  When you follow steps to the exact word, how do things not work out? 
The last week following the news felt like a blur. We had so many wonderful people in our lives reach out to us and made us feel SO loved. I had never really understood how loved we were, and how many people were rooting for this little babe to stick. We are so blessed. 

At our doctor appointment I discovered I wouldn't be getting any definite answers. I wanted my doctor to tell me so badly that if we made a simple change it was going to work. Instead, we found out that we just happened to be part of that 30%. The group that IVF just doesn't work for even when things look perfect.

We had decided that this bump in the road was not going to stop us from being hopeful, excited, and optimistic. We couldn't let this loss define us. We had determined that if there was a specific reason our transfer didn't work, and if there was an immediate change that we could make, then at that point we would implant our last embryo. If there was no reason it didn't work, we didn't want to put all the pressure on that single embryo we had left. It felt like too much - Like we were betting on this one to work...and if it didn't we would be back to square one. 

We have decided to start again. 
Step 1.
Retrieve some eggs.
Fertilize those bad boys.
Try again

Sometimes things don’t make sense, and today we are just trying to figure out how to deal with that. We are excited. We are optimistic. 

We are so blessed. 

****Part of me wanted to share this because maybe someone out there is going through something similar. The greatest discovery for me through this process has been finding so many others to relate to. Everyone has a different journey...and this is mine.
Sharing is scary.
Sharing makes you vulnerable.
But if someone who reads this understands that they aren't alone, then it is worth every. single. moment.

Roadtripping to Portland & Seattle

This post should be titled “A love letter to the food of the Pacific Northwest” or “I travel to eat,” because that is what the majority of our trip consisted of. Isn’t eating the best part of vacation? Yes? That’s what I thought.

We packed up our Mazda, hitched our bikes to the hatchback and were on the road. I typically am opposed to driving – why drive when you can fly #amiright ?? Everyone we talked to said that bikes were the way to get around Portland and Seattle, so road-tripping/biking was the best option…and you know what? The road trip was one of my favorite parts of our vacation. We talked, ate Pringles and listened to books on tape. It was perfect.

Portland

I have always wanted to go to Portland. Everyone I knew that had been there had nothing but amazing things to say. We received so many amazing suggestions and tried to fit in as much as we could while we were there. We were able to hit almost everything we wanted. Do you want to know my favorite part about Portland? All the bridges. SO MANY BRIDGES. I don’t know what it is about them, I just love them.

Our Portland list of must do (okay...really....must eat)

Boxer Ramen -get the veggie curry, add egg. You're welcome

Salt & Straw - was really all worth the hype. I got Carrot Cake & J got Lucky Charms

VooDoo & Blue Star donuts- They were both good - but I preferred the weirdness of VooDoo. It was more of a classic donut, but the Blue Star flavor combos were unique and delish.

Por Que No tacos - Yum Yum Yum. 
Pine State Biscuits - Holy Mother of Biscuits. It's all amazing.

Cannon Beach - my kind of beach. Cold. Breezy. Haystack rock. Goonies.

Pistils Nursery - If you are a plant lover - GO HERE!

We drove the scenic route up the Oregon and Washington coast. I would add this to my 'must do' list. It was just beautiful.

 Seattle

Dearest Seattle, I love you. I love you so much. If I could move anywhere, it would be to Seattle. I have been to Seattle many times, and every time I’m there I fall more and more in love with it. There is something about being in a big city by the ocean. It’s just beautiful. We woke up and walked down the rainy streets under umbrellas. We stopped by Pike’s for hot mini donuts and bagels and walked around the piers. We stopped into shops and just enjoyed the city. It's great to go there and just enjoy where you are - not rushing to see the sites.

Needless to say, after eating like garbage for a few days (I typically avoid wheat products) I was SO sick that afternoon. We spent a portion of the afternoon sitting in the hotel watching ‘The First 48’ – so basically I’m super fun to go on vacation with. Later that evening I felt better and enjoyed a bag of cotton candy for dinner at the Mariners game.

Here's a little video of our trip. Enjoy!

A&L